The other night I had a small break down, not bad, but sometimes it’s hard to admit things you know you’re feeling. Unfortunately, I’ve been suffering from a bit of anxiety for the past few years and it’s gotten progressively worse. My anxiety is a complete different story with fingers to blame and excuses that are all false because I know it’s me, but those stories may or may not surface sometime in the future. I have been a stay at home mom and caregiver to my grandma for over 2 years now and the situation has finally escaladed to the point where I know I have to get a real job where I receive a real paycheck. I am completely nervous about it and every time I submit a resume I dread hearing back from them. All of this is a side note though. My boyfriend is incredible and cheered me up in this situation, but one thing he said to me stood out in particular. At one point in the conversation he told me that I might not be fully happy with myself. Naturally at first I thought this was crazy because I thought only teenagers go through that awkward phase of trying to find themselves and not being happy with anything they find. I feel like I’m quite confident and portray myself as such, but then I got to thinking that I only feel that way when I am in my own element. I’m scared to get a job because I feel like I will automatically be assumed as incompetent. I’m almost 26 and I still get carded for cigarettes, which is great but I think it will be a burden that I look so young as I’m applying for manager positions. So there is some truth to his statement. If I can just find peace, confidence, and complete acceptance of myself and surroundings then I could do anything. I can meditate and do yoga and do crafts as much as I want, but this is a shift that needs to happen outside of the world and outside of my mind. I’m sure this confidence will happen just as something hitting you and realizing that it had been there all along. There are two distinct memories I have when I think of this happening and although they’re silly, they ring true to me. In 7th grade I tried out for 8th grade cheerleading and right before I went into the room of judges, I closed my eyes, completely cleared my mind, and I knew I could do it and I had it. I did the same thing when I auditioned for a music scholarship at college. Those emotions I had then are what I strive for in everyday life. Ironically though, I hadn’t convinced myself of anything, I hadn’t pumped myself up, I just did it and knew it without knowing. I suppose I got too caught up in life and just forgot how to do anything J The universe is more intelligent than I and I just need to truly know that. I am disappointed that I am working towards something that always came so easy for me. Oh well, absolutely no good to dwell on anything. My brain is more intelligent than I, “I” am nothing. But also, the “I” has taken subconscious forms and arises through my anxiety, boo. There is no punch line or ending to this story, it is ongoing. I am so happy and so thankful for everything and everyone in my life. So why do I have anxiety problems? I don’t understand, I don’t need to I guess. Everything will go on either way. J
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