I do not believe I have anything suppressed but I guess it’s hard to tell. I just read Freud’s theories so its fresh on my mind. I’m scared, I do know that, but I don’t know why. I’m scared of being ultimately responsible, in very small scenarios and the big picture. I don’t know how I got this way and I don’t know why it’s been getting progressively worse. I’d say it probably started during my pregnancy, but stayed manageable until brad got locked up, then it started getting worse and just recently hit its peak a few months ago, when things are starting to get better, much better. It seems like a contradiction to me. So does that mean there is something I’m suppressing? I’ve lost tons of confidence in myself, not really in my looks although partially, but mostly just socially. Well I guess more specifically in situations where I am going to be entrusted with responsibilities. Am I repressing feelings of responsibility in the only situation in my life that can somewhat be called traumatic? I don’t feel like I am, but at this point im so tired of being afraid and not myself that I won’t throw any idea aside. Also, I don’t trust myself, which sounds insane. But I don’t trust that my body will always know what to do and thus the fear from that causes me to have various symptoms. It’s mostly anywhere outside of my house, but sometimes in it, mostly not though. So what am I scared of outside? Let’s see specific situations. In a movie theatre or concert I’m afraid I’ll have to throw up or pass out and won’t be able to get out fast enough. Umm, in the work area, I’m not afraid that I won’t be able to perform my job, it’s that I… well now that I’m writing it, I think it all boils down to the same thing- I’m afraid I will throw up, pass out, have a heart attack, have a panic attack, lose control. Why??? Those are so unlikely, well not the panic attack one because that obviously comes from these fears. I’ve been locked up in my house for over 2 years now, I mean not literally, but I’ve pretty much stayed home for almost 2 and a half years and have become increasingly scared of the outside world, especially driving. I don’t think it’s actually driving that scares me, but while driving is where my first signs of anxiety appeared and also driving means I’m leaving the house. And so much of me is not in control and or responsible while driving, if I want to bring those ideas into it. Sometimes thinking about these things gives me more anxiety, but sometimes it just seems ludicrous. I guess that depends on who I’m talking to or how I’m feeling at that time. I still feel like there’s a lot I want to talk about, even though I do feel like I’ve let go and gotten through everything, I still feel like I could cry a lot about it hahahaha that’s so stupid, oh well. I guess that means I haven’t fully let go of some of my anger or resentment or whatever it is. I wonder if some of that is getting repressed and is somehow regenerating itself in the form of anxiety now. I used to be on top of the world, I mean I wasn’t very important or anything, but I felt like I was. But now I have an even more important job and role and I feel like I fail a lot. Maybe I just think too much, or rather I let my thoughts have too much importance. Thinking about it, I think this is good for me. A lot of people told me to get counseling after a series of bad decisions made by me and other people, but I didn’t because I didn’t think I needed it. As I’m getting worse I’m thinking it might be a good idea, but even if I don’t, this is helping me still. I can only blame myself for this. For anything I am holding onto myself or afflicting myself with. Kayne west is not very talented, but he is very successful, I can be too. He is on TV right now is the only reason I think of him. I can work and drive, I just need to know I can. I’m a pretty good mother I think. But not if I can’t do those things. How can I work to support him or take him to school or anything? This needs to be conquered and no psychiatrist or psychologist is going to help me better than me helping myself. A part of me is still paranoid that it could be something else like something wrong with my heart or thyroid or something weird, but I know in reality since I don’t have insurance I would probably just get myself into major debt to find out that nothing is wrong. I’ve already been to the dr. a few times for blood work resulting in healthy results, one ER visit where they diagnosed a panic attack when I thought I was dying, and now numerous psychiatry visits trying to find a medicine that works. And I have another in a week. Just get better you’re being ridiculous! I can drive I can work. That’s probably not a healthy way to work through this, which I think is partially what I’ve been doing, degrading myself and telling myself nothing is real. Obviously it is real, at least to me. I feel I might have made some progression tonight, but I always feel that way at night. I always meditate and relax at night and think and I always think that I’m making some progression but every day I wake up the same. I just wish I could be hypnotized and forget I ever had anxiety or fear. I wish I had my same confidence that I had 3 years ago, but along with my intellect and motherhood. This might be all for now.
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