analysis of self, probably shouldn't post but will anyway for my own sake

I do not believe I have anything suppressed but I guess it’s hard to tell. I just read Freud’s theories so its fresh on my mind. I’m scared, I do know that, but I don’t know why. I’m scared of being ultimately responsible, in very small scenarios and the big picture. I don’t know how I got this way and I don’t know why it’s been getting progressively worse. I’d say it probably started during my pregnancy, but stayed manageable until brad got locked up, then it started getting worse and just recently hit its peak a few months ago, when things are starting to get better, much better. It seems like a contradiction to me. So does that mean there is something I’m suppressing? I’ve lost tons of confidence in myself, not really in my looks although partially, but mostly just socially. Well I guess more specifically in situations where I am going to be entrusted with responsibilities. Am I repressing feelings of responsibility in the only situation in my life that can somewhat be called traumatic? I don’t feel like I am, but at this point im so tired of being afraid and not myself that I won’t throw any idea aside. Also, I don’t trust myself, which sounds insane. But I don’t trust that my body will always know what to do and thus the fear from that causes me to have various symptoms. It’s mostly anywhere outside of my house, but sometimes in it, mostly not though. So what am I scared of outside? Let’s see specific situations. In a movie theatre or concert I’m afraid I’ll have to throw up or pass out and won’t be able to get out fast enough. Umm, in the work area, I’m not afraid that I won’t be able to perform my job, it’s that I… well now that I’m writing it, I think it all boils down to the same thing- I’m afraid I will throw up, pass out, have a heart attack, have a panic attack, lose control. Why??? Those are so unlikely, well not the panic attack one because that obviously comes from these fears. I’ve been locked up in my house for over 2 years now, I mean not literally, but I’ve pretty much stayed home for almost 2 and a half years and have become increasingly scared of the outside world, especially driving. I don’t think it’s actually driving that scares me, but while driving is where my first signs of anxiety appeared and also driving means I’m leaving the house. And so much of me is not in control and or responsible while driving, if I want to bring those ideas into it. Sometimes thinking about these things gives me more anxiety, but sometimes it just seems ludicrous. I guess that depends on who I’m talking to or how I’m feeling at that time. I still feel like there’s a lot I want to talk about, even though I do feel like I’ve let go and gotten through everything, I still feel like I could cry a lot about it hahahaha that’s so stupid, oh well. I guess that means I haven’t fully let go of some of my anger or resentment or whatever it is. I wonder if some of that is getting repressed and is somehow regenerating itself in the form of anxiety now. I used to be on top of the world, I mean I wasn’t very important or anything, but I felt like I was. But now I have an even more important job and role and I feel like I fail a lot. Maybe I just think too much, or rather I let my thoughts have too much importance. Thinking about it, I think this is good for me. A lot of people told me to get counseling after a series of bad decisions made by me and other people, but I didn’t because I didn’t think I needed it. As I’m getting worse I’m thinking it might be a good idea, but even if I don’t, this is helping me still. I can only blame myself for this. For anything I am holding onto myself or afflicting myself with. Kayne west is not very talented, but he is very successful, I can be too. He is on TV right now is the only reason I think of him. I can work and drive, I just need to know I can. I’m a pretty good mother I think. But not if I can’t do those things. How can I work to support him or take him to school or anything? This needs to be conquered and no psychiatrist or psychologist is going to help me better than me helping myself. A part of me is still paranoid that it could be something else like something wrong with my heart or thyroid or something weird, but I know in reality since I don’t have insurance I would probably just get myself into major debt to find out that nothing is wrong. I’ve already been to the dr. a few times for blood work resulting in healthy results, one ER visit where they diagnosed a panic attack when I thought I was dying, and now numerous psychiatry visits trying to find a medicine that works. And I have another in a week. Just get better you’re being ridiculous! I can drive I can work. That’s probably not a healthy way to work through this, which I think is partially what I’ve been doing, degrading myself and telling myself nothing is real. Obviously it is real, at least to me. I feel I might have made some progression tonight, but I always feel that way at night. I always meditate and relax at night and think and I always think that I’m making some progression but every day I wake up the same. I just wish I could be hypnotized and forget I ever had anxiety or fear. I wish I had my same confidence that I had 3 years ago, but along with my intellect and motherhood. This might be all for now.

Tossing thoughts around

The other night I had a small break down, not bad, but sometimes it’s hard to admit things you know you’re feeling. Unfortunately, I’ve been suffering from a bit of anxiety for the past few years and it’s gotten progressively worse. My anxiety is a complete different story with fingers to blame and excuses that are all false because I know it’s me, but those stories may or may not surface sometime in the future.  I have been a stay at home mom and caregiver to my grandma for over 2 years now and the situation has finally escaladed to the point where I know I have to get a real job where I receive a real paycheck. I am completely nervous about it and every time I submit a resume I dread hearing back from them. All of this is a side note though. My boyfriend is incredible and cheered me up in this situation, but one thing he said to me stood out in particular. At one point in the conversation he told me that I might not be fully happy with myself. Naturally at first I thought this was crazy because I thought only teenagers go through that awkward phase of trying to find themselves and not being happy with anything they find. I feel like I’m quite confident and portray myself as such, but then I got to thinking that I only feel that way when I am in my own element. I’m scared to get a job because I feel like I will automatically be assumed as incompetent. I’m almost 26 and I still get carded for cigarettes, which is great but I think it will be a burden that I look so young as I’m applying for manager positions. So there is some truth to his statement. If I can just find peace, confidence, and complete acceptance of myself and surroundings then I could do anything. I can meditate and do yoga and do crafts as much as I want, but this is a shift that needs to happen outside of the world and outside of my mind. I’m sure this confidence will happen just as something hitting you and realizing that it had been there all along. There are two distinct memories I have when I think of this happening and although they’re silly, they ring true to me. In 7^th grade I tried out for 8^th grade cheerleading and right before I went into the room of judges, I closed my eyes, completely cleared my mind, and I knew I could do it and I had it. I did the same thing when I auditioned for a music scholarship at college. Those emotions I had then are what I strive for in everyday life. Ironically though, I hadn’t convinced myself of anything, I hadn’t pumped myself up, I just did it and knew it without knowing. I suppose I got too caught up in life and just forgot how to do anything J The universe is more intelligent than I and I just need to truly know that. I am disappointed that I am working towards something that always came so easy for me. Oh well, absolutely no good to dwell on anything. My brain is more intelligent than I, “I” am nothing. But also, the “I” has taken subconscious forms and arises through my anxiety, boo. There is no punch line or ending to this story, it is ongoing. I am so happy and so thankful for everything and everyone in my life. So why do I have anxiety problems? I don’t understand, I don’t need to I guess. Everything will go on either way. J

Toddler Tips from a scatter brain

I am a single mom with a 20 month old son. I knew nothing about parenting when I had him and I've got plenty more to learn. These are just some things I've come up with for myself and I figure they might help someone, maybe :)

1.       Eating

·         Hide Veggies! Just today I baked crescents with broccoli and cheese in them, they were delicious. Put them in soups, sandwiches, or sprinkle them on top of whatever you’re serving. Also, put them on top of a frozen pizza halfway through the baking and add more cheese on top to keep them well hidden.

·         Fruit- My son likes to have whole fruit because he feels like it’s more of a big boy food than cut up pieces. Obviously, this should be age appropriate. I started it around 14 months, apples, pears, peaches, plums, grapes more fun whole!

·         Meat- Some kids have a thing with chicken, so simply calling all meat chicken works sometimes.

·         Drinks- Kids like to feel like they get to use the same things as adults. As long as you’re ready to clean up, give your kid a big cup, or a sippy cup with no lid. My son drinks almost anything if it’s from a big cup, better yet served with ice and a straw.

·         Utensils- When I started giving my son forks and spoons, he was much more interested in eating even though he didn’t always use them correctly.

·         Salt and Pepper- No, kids don’t need salt and pepper, but they think they do. I have those 2 packs of disposable salt and pepper with barley anything in them. I make sure the tops are closed and let him shake away. Suddenly the food in front of him he was too busy to eat is now tastier (without s&pJ).

·         Finally, reaching this age of independence, my son likes to get things out of the fridge himself. When he does it himself, it makes him want to eat whatever he “chose.” So I keep snacks of fruits and veggies in the bottom shelf of the fridge just for him to grab.

2.       Sleeping

·         Everyone’s heard this one before- bedtime routine. Mine is so simple, but even so He knows what to expect so it makes it smoother. Ours is just getting lotion on, jammies, and then brushing our teeth.

·         If they want to take a toy to bed, let them. As long of course that it is a safe one that won’t break or hurt them while they’re sleeping. Sometimes they aren’t always tired right at bedtime and this helps them entertain themselves for a little.

·         I keep a soft book in bed with him also for this reason.

·         Make sure the bed is comfy and warm, something you’d want to sleep in too.

·         Put them to bed with a cup of water.

·         Nap time should be at the same time everyday and have a routine in itself too. Ours is just nap after lunch. Naps are important because kids actually sleep better at night when they get well rested during the day. Being too tired makes it harder for children to fall asleep.

3.       Separation

·         Make sure your kid knows and is comfortable with whom they are going to be staying with.

·         Send them with whatever comforts them, stuffed animal, toy, blanket, pillow.

·         Try to tell them far in advance what’s going to happen. Examples : “This weekend you’re going to go out of town with Grandma, won’t that be fun?” Or, “Tomorrow at daycare you’re going to have so much fun with the other kids.”

·         Always tell them you’ll be back and it won’t be long.

·         Separation is a normal part of growing up, as long as the children are comfortable it makes it a little easier for parents and kid.

4.       Discipline

I want to first say that I by no means have a perfectly behaved child. No toddler is perfect. They learn from their curiosity, discipline should be used sparingly.

·         Baby proof as much as possible so that the opportunity for trouble is sparse.

·         Try ignoring bad behavior. When they don’t get a reaction from you, they won’t repeat what they did often.

·         Time out can start being used around 18 months but only for 1-2 minutes. I only use time outs when he’s either putting himself in danger or is hurting someone else (biting, hitting, throwing.)

·         Stay calm! The more your kids see you stay calm, the more they will.

Toddlers are so curious and into everything. They have so many emotions and don’t know what to do with them. The best way for toddlers to learn is to see you doing it. Act yourself, be calm, be nice, and be sweet if that’s what you want your child to do. Let them have as much space as possible. They learn through exploring and experimenting. Even though something they’re doing might get on your nerves, as long as they’re not endangering anything, let them do it and take some deep breaths. Don’t have too many expectations. Remember to always love and appreciate them even through the tough toddler phase.

Just Today

I'm not quite sure of the purpose of blogging yet, unless you have some kind of trade or something to teach others. I'm sure I have both to an extent but neither of which would bring me any followers or money (which is why I'm self employed.) I suppose blogging for most people is just a chance at a journal to make public. Some kind of outreach to try to see and make people care about what they're "story" is. But in reality, no one cares, and I don't mean that in a bad way. Generally, people (and sooo generally, I cannot make judgments or assumptions) only care about someone else's story if it somehow adds to their ego. If it makes them feel better about themselves or it is makes them agry, then it increases their ego. I digress, I didn't plan on writing that at all. This blog for me is an outlet to simply put the words that I used to write on paper, on a computer. Making it into a blog means that it will probably be around a while so that when I am gone, maybe my great grandson will search my name on the internet for some reason and he will find something I had to say (along with really dumb videos on youtube.) I don't plan on writing anything interesting, just my day to day events and whatever else decides to unfold :) I did plan on writing on what I did today, but after all of that other writing, I think I'll call it good. First entry done. We'll see if I ever do another :)